Written by Chris Davis
Washington—Now that the scourge of carbon dioxide is under way to elimination, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Lisa Jackson has now declared that “oxygen is a dangerous pollutant and threat to the Earth.” So, the EPA has begun the process of rapidly eliminating the oxygen from the Earth’s atmosphere.
In order to accomplish this mean feat, Jackson has ordered the construction of a giant OSM—a veritable Oxygen Sucking Machine. The OSM is capable of sucking the oxygen completely out of the atmosphere within 20 years. The EPA is calling the machine, “ The Pelosi 3000.” It has a suction stronger than 40,000 Oreck vacuums.
“Naming the machine was simple,” stated Jackson. “I’ve always heard rumors on Capitol Hill that Pelosi could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, or even a golf ball through a garden hose, whichever congressman or woman you ask. It was a no brainer! She should be proud to have a legacy like that. I only wish I did! I can barely suck soda through a straw.”
Jackson, however, does admit that sucking the oxygen out of the air would likely destroy every living thing on Earth. But she also noted that “it’s what’s best for the planet.” Her feeling is that maybe the viruses that survive would repopulate a more humane planet. “Our concern is for the planet,” added Jackson. “Those murderous ingrates have to go! And what better way to repopulate than with viruses.”
Conservative talk radio host Mark Levin agrees with naming the OSM “The Pelosi 3000,” claiming that he’d always heard of those very same rumors. “I’ve always heard Pelosi could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch,” claimed Levin, “but I can’t prove it. Uh…maybe we should ask Harry Reid. I’m just sayin.”
Either way, the EPA has laid down the law. Oxygen is a “dangerous pollutant,” and must be eliminated if the planet is to survive.