Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns

Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S. government is even now putting measures in place to take his guns away.

Obama, an avid gun enthusiast with an extensive history of mistrusting the federal government, claimed Washington’s actions in recent years have been particularly egregious and described its “rabid anti-gun zealotry” as “some real sinister, Nazi-type shit.”

“The thing for damn sure is you can’t trust ’em,” Obama told reporters Thursday morning, cradling a .22-caliber bolt-action hunting rifle in his arms. “No matter how hard you work or how many taxes you pay, the goddamn government’s sure as shit gonna pass some law or officiate some warrant to try and take your guns. Because when the people don’t have any guns, that’s when they take control.”

“Just like in England,” the president added. “They took away all the guns there, and now they have video cameras all over the place to spy on everybody. You think America wouldn’t do that if they could?”

According to President Obama, the U.S. government has for years made a concerted effort to “destroy the Second Amendment of the damned Constitution, for God’s sake,” while silencing the voices of gun owners such as himself who merely wish to retain the ability to protect their home and family.

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Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail

Having admittedly “reached the end of [his] rope,” President Barack Obama sent a rambling 75,000-word e-mail to the entire nation Wednesday, revealing deep frustrations with America’s political culture, his presidency, U.S. citizens, and himself.

The e-mail, which was titled “A couple things,” addressed countless topics in a dense, stream-of-consciousness rant that often went on for hundreds of words without any punctuation or paragraph breaks. Throughout, the president expressed his aggravation on subjects as disparate as the war in Afghanistan, the sluggish economic recovery, his live-in mother-in-law, China’s undervalued currency, Boston’s Logan Airport, and tort reform.

According to its timestamp, the e-mail was sent at 4:26 a.m.

“Hey Everyone,” read the first line of the president’s note, which at 27 megabytes proved too large for millions of Americans’ in-boxes. “I’m writing to you because I need to clear up some important issues. First and foremost, I want to say that this has nothing to do with the midterm elections because I was going to send an e-mail regardless of the outcome. However, I guess one could argue that, in the end, the midterms are an important measure of a president’s overall success, though I wouldn’t go so far as to call the results a referendum. Legislatively, I feel I’ve had a lot of success that I think history will judge quite favorably. I mean, pretty much every modern president has seen his party lose seats during a midterm, you know?

“Anyway,” the e-mail continued.

A 150-page printout confirms that while Obama’s points are generally cogent in the first quarter of the message, the increasingly chaotic spacing, multiple spelling errors, and near total lack of commas rendered the later portions almost impossible to parse.

Excerpts indicate an erratic use of capitalized and underlined words, with the phrase “Stopped a second Great Depression” mentioned 14 times in a bolded red font double the size of surrounding text. In addition, the e-mail contained multiple links to the Wikipedia entry for Social Security and line graphs of Ronald Reagan’s year-by-year approval ratings.

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