by Dave: IOWAHAWK
One of the most frustrating things that comes with being one of Eastern Iowa’s top 500 political satire bloggers is dealing with readers who presume to know where I stand on the issues. Worse yet, some even seem to think they can dictate the content of my posts. Like this recent disturbing email from a reader in Crown Point, IN:
Long time reader and fan! I trust you are planning to contribute something special for the upcoming ‘Everybody Draw [redacted] Day’ on May 20. Let’s stand up for free speech and let the [redacted]ofascists know they can’t push us around!
or this concerned message that came from an anonymous IP address in Yemen:
Dnt thikning u r to b draw cartooms the Prophet (pbuh) u fukin kaffir
Inshallah i m jihad to behed u and feed ur blood to pigs!!!!!
u r warnd
roast in hell!!!!
What bothers me is the shared assumption of these two readers that I would even consider participation in a cheap provocative stunt like this so-called “Draw M******* Day.” Because if “humor” today means mocking the founder of one of the world’s great religions — one with a proud 1400 year history of art, science, scholarship, and beheadings — well mister, you can count this humble internet funnyman out.
Why I have opted out of this event? It depresses me that our culture has reached such a level of debasement that I feel compelled to list the reasons. Firstly, it is a well known codicil of Islamic law that visual depictions of their holy prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) are strictly prohibited. Like all religions we should respect their views, and the cartoons (which incidentally I have proudly refused to even glance at) seem only to cause hurt. Yes, they hurt the feeling of millions of Muslims. But, ultimately, they also hurt the misguided cartoonists who produce them. Because let’s face it: having a rusty scimitar hack through your neck can’t be a walk in the park.
Second, it violates my American sense of fair play. I firmly believe all religions deserve my respect — depending on how they respect me. Yes, it is true that in the past I have sometimes made fun of various world religious faiths: Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddism, Rastafari, Wicca, Scientology, Global Warmingism, that filthy cult of Wisconsin Synod Lutherans. Equally, without malice, and without issue. But trust me, once any of them starts emailing me credible violent death threats, I guarantee they’re gonna start challenging Islam for top spot in Dave’s weekly religion respect rankings.
Third, this insipid “humor event” has disturbing racist overtones. It is a needless provocation targeted at one billion people around the world of the Islamic race, and the millions of people — of every color and every nationality — who each year genetically convert to the Islamic race. Contrary to popular hysteria no more than 15% of these people with Islamic DNA have a genetic belief in killing blasphemers. Okay, 25% tops. The point is, by insulting M******* (PBUH) these cartoons will only result in radicalizing the vast majority of moderate genetic Muslims, who, at worse, probably only want to make blasphemy a Class II felony.
Fourth, all this ostentatious caterwauling about “free speech” and “preserving Enlightenment values” seem to me to be nothing but a cheap excuse for a few low-brow jokesters to engage in juvenile humor. For example, ‘Family Guy’ creator Seth MacFarlane, whom I understand is planning an upcoming episode of the popular infidel TV cartoon in which Stewie and Griffin family dog Brian take turns anally raping Islam’s holy prophet (PBUH) while singing show tunes. “After slamming Jesus and Christians countless times, I would qualify as the biggest hypocritical pussy in Hollywood if I didn’t give that psychotic medieval child molester the vigorous cartoon anal raping which he so richly deserves,” MacFarlane has reportedly said.
Please, spare us your artistic sanctimony Seth. Your pretentious concerns about “hypocrisy” are no more convincing than those of the Brooklyn Museum, reportedly planning a new installation featuring Chris Ofili’s Elephant Dung Prophet and Andres Serrano’s Piss Be Upon Him. Or programming executives at Comedy Central, who have recently reversed a laudable policy against mentions of Islam with their all-new “M******* Mocking Monday” programming block — conveniently (and unsurprisingly) timed for May rating sweeps week. Be honest, Seth MacFarlane: your puerile obsession with anally humiliating the holiest figure of Islam through musical cartoon has more to do with Nielsen ratings than any of your pie-in-the-sky Hollywood “artistic integrity.” It’s obvious this is only a cheap tasteless ploy to draw attention to yourself and away from people like me who would never in a million years think of depicting Islam’s holy prophet (PBUH) at all, let alone getting backed-doored by a filthy cartoon dog.
So no; As a responsible humorist I will not, indeed cannot, sanction this disgusting and nihilistic ‘Draw M*******’ (PBUH) sideshow. Yes, we still have Freedom of Speech in this country. But there comes a time when a man must look deep inside himself and muster the courage to exercise his Freedom of Not Speech. And if having that courage also means not having his house firebombed, hey, win-win!
Written by Chris Davis
Washington—Now that the scourge of carbon dioxide is under way to elimination, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Lisa Jackson has now declared that “oxygen is a dangerous pollutant and threat to the Earth.” So, the EPA has begun the process of rapidly eliminating the oxygen from the Earth’s atmosphere.
In order to accomplish this mean feat, Jackson has ordered the construction of a giant OSM—a veritable Oxygen Sucking Machine. The OSM is capable of sucking the oxygen completely out of the atmosphere within 20 years. The EPA is calling the machine, “ The Pelosi 3000.” It has a suction stronger than 40,000 Oreck vacuums.
“Naming the machine was simple,” stated Jackson. “I’ve always heard rumors on Capitol Hill that Pelosi could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, or even a golf ball through a garden hose, whichever congressman or woman you ask. It was a no brainer! She should be proud to have a legacy like that. I only wish I did! I can barely suck soda through a straw.”
Jackson, however, does admit that sucking the oxygen out of the air would likely destroy every living thing on Earth. But she also noted that “it’s what’s best for the planet.” Her feeling is that maybe the viruses that survive would repopulate a more humane planet. “Our concern is for the planet,” added Jackson. “Those murderous ingrates have to go! And what better way to repopulate than with viruses.”
Conservative talk radio host Mark Levin agrees with naming the OSM “The Pelosi 3000,” claiming that he’d always heard of those very same rumors. “I’ve always heard Pelosi could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch,” claimed Levin, “but I can’t prove it. Uh…maybe we should ask Harry Reid. I’m just sayin.”
Either way, the EPA has laid down the law. Oxygen is a “dangerous pollutant,” and must be eliminated if the planet is to survive.
By: Nikki Schwab and Tara Palmeri
Obama’s writers may have thought their quip about the Jonas Brothers during White House Correspondents’ Association dinner was a nod to the boy band and their star power, but the brothers saw it as a jab.
Nick and Joe Jonas were spotted sulking in the corner at the Bloomberg/Vanity Fair after-party when Yeas & Nays asked what they thought of the joke.
“We’re not that old,” Nick Jonas told Yeas.
“Seriously, we’re not pedophiles,” Joe jumped in.
Joe Jonas’ girlfriend, Demi Lavato, seemed indignant as well. She said “who’s that?” when Yeas & Nays mentioned John Edwards and followed it up with a “What’s politics?”
The Jonas crew was huffing over a joke the president made during his speech at the dinner.
“The Jonas Brothers are here … Sasha and Malia are huge fans,” the president started. “But, boys, don’t get any ideas, I have two words for you — predator drones,” he said.
Obama quickly turned his attention away from the Jonas Brothers. “Speaking of tween heartthrobs, Scott Brown is here,” the president joked.
He picked on everyone from his staffers to Jay Leno, who headlined the event. “I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight — great to see you, Jay,” Obama said. “I’m also glad that I’m speaking first, because we’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno’s.”
Read more at the Washington Examiner
By Ed Barnes
The Penn State climate professor who has silently endured investigations, hostile questioning, legislative probes and attacks by colleagues has finally spoken out. He says he’ll sue the makers of a satirical video that’s a hit on You Tube.
Their response: Bring it on.
Michael Mann, one of the central figures in the recent climate-data scandal, is best known for his “hockey stick graph,” which was the key visual aid in explaining how the world is warming at an alarming rate and in connecting the rise to the increase in use of carbon fuels in this century. E-mails stolen from a university in England were released online, revealing exchanges between climatologists and a reference to a “trick” that Mann had used to get the graph to portray what global warming scientists wanted to see.
The parody video, titled “Hide the Decline,” had more than 500,000 viewers on YouTube and received national attention when Rush Limbaugh played it on his radio show. It features a cat with a guitar, a talking tree, and a dancing figure sporting the image of Professor Mann. It’s the use of his image that Mann is complaining about, arguing that the video supports “efforts to sell various products and merchandise.”
“The guy is crazy to threaten legal action,” said Jeff Davis, the President of No Cap and Trade, a large organization that includes the group Mann is threatening to sue, Minnesotans for Global Warming. “A lawsuit would give us full discovery — and there’s a lot to look at in his work.”
The revelations of the leaked e-mails brought into question the methodology used to prove the Earth is getting hotter, and the phrase “hide the decline” became a catchphrase for questioning a human role in global warming.
Mann faced investigations both by Penn State and in England. While both found his work acceptable, critics have nevertheless charged that the probes were superficial and have prevented a closer analysis of the science upon which his view of global warming is based.
In his letter Mann threatened legal action, claiming the spoof video “illegally used his image and defamed him.”
Neither Mann nor Penn State responded to requests for comments. Mann’s lawyer, Peter J. Fontaine of the Washington D.C. law firm of Cozen O’Connor, told FoxNews.com “we don’t comment on any pending legal matters for clients.”
Davis and No Cap and Trade said they welcome the lawsuit.
The group is eager to conduct an in-depth probe of Mann’s work and “finally look at how it was done. We understand why Michael Mann is eager to silence public discussion of the hockey stick scandal, but truth is an absolute defense.”
According to Davis, the video was created in the wood-warmed RV that is the “world headquarters ” for Minnesotans for Global Warming and its three members, who jokingly think that Minnesota could use a little more heat.
When the letter first arrived, they quickly pulled the video from You Tube and their website because they couldn’t afford to defend against a lawsuit. But, as word spread of the legal threat to the jokesters, a number of groups, including No Cap and Trade, rallied to their defense. They even backed a newer version of the video titled “Hide the Decline II” and re-posted on You Tube and the No Cap and Trade site.
“It is hard to believe in global warming when you live in Minnesota. During last winter we all wished we had some global warming,” Elmer Beauregard, a nom de plume of one of the members of the group, said at a press conference announcing the new video on Tuesday.
U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths
April 13, 2010 | ISSUE 46•15
* via @TheOnion – U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths
WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Representatives from the nation’s leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
“It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use,” said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. “I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately.”
Added Burman, “The last thing we would want is for more innocent men and women around the world to die because of our product.”
Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea, Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early 1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.
Despite fears about the flag’s safety—especially when improperly used or manipulated in ways not originally intended—sales continued unabated over the years, potentially putting billions of unsuspecting people in danger.
“At first, we wanted one of our flags in every home in America,” Burman said. “Unfortunately, the practical applications of this product are far outnumbered by the risks it presents. Millions have died needlessly, and when you ask people why, they point to the flag.”
Unfortunate casualties of Old Glory’s near-continuous 230-year use.
Added Burman, “Frankly, we should have pulled it off the market decades ago.”
Studies conducted by the Annin & Company research and development department revealed that faulty U.S. flags have caused more than just injuries and deaths. During the mid-1950s, the flags were found to have the bizarre side effect of causing fear, paranoia, and hysterical behavior among millions of Americans. This was dismissed as an isolated event until September 2001, when similar symptoms reemerged on a massive scale.
As hazardous as the flags may be on their own, Annin & Company officials claimed the products become even more dangerous when used in conjunction with other common household items.
“When combined with alcohol, excessive patriotism, grief, or well-intentioned but ultimately misguided ideals, U.S. flags transform into ticking time bombs, just waiting to go off,” Burman said.
Manufacturers are addressing the flag’s unsafe and potentially lethal alignment of stars and stripes by designing a revised model that they hope will cut down on deaths in the United States and overseas, where experts say the flag is nearly 1,000 times as deadly.
In the meantime, Annin & Company is advising all Americans to either ship their flags back to the manufacturer or, if no time permits, dispose of them in an efficient manner.
“I understand that people might be reluctant to stop using a product they have found to be reliable over the years,” Burman told reporters. “But I can’t in good conscience allow them to use something I know to be dangerous. We’ll try to make adjustments soon and come up with something that benefits everybody rather than hurting them.”
Added Burman, “In the interim, I would recommend that all Americans switch to the Canadian flag, which seems to be working just fine.”